When I think about all the troubles it seems
my family has endured over the past ten years, and things we’re going through
now, I think wow, we’re making up for all the good times we had in the
past. I tend to think about the past a
lot, and how ‘good’ it was. Even though
it wasn’t, always. I’ve tried to gain
perspective on it, and wonder why I think the past was better than the
present. And I think maybe it was
because up until I hit around age 40-45, I was still somewhat under the
protective auspices of my parents’ reign.
They were still the heads of the family; we all came to them, gathered
around them. The shift began around
early middle-age, and slowly the veil of protection slipped off my eyes, and I
begin to see things in a different light, just as the scripture states, “For
now we see through a glass darkly…”
Only, I’ve
been seeing through a glass brightly, polished with loving care by my parents
and family all my life. Seeing things
through the eyes of a child, Walt Disney and Early Bible Stories. Stories that, even though they have dragons,
brothers that throw you down a well, and scary things, are defeated and all is
well. Even the dragons are beautiful
things to behold in all their fire-breathing magnitude. Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
comes to the rescue, as does Prince Charming and the Fairy Godmothers. I have a favorite little pillow that brings a
smile to my face every time I look at it – it says “I’ve had it with reality. I
want my fairy godmother!”
No, I’m not
trying to classify Bible stories in with fairy-tales; I know the difference,
but they were all part of my wonderful upbringing, and part of my magical
thinking, even know. I know that the
Bible is real, and fairy tales are not, but I also understand their part in
shaping and molding ethics, values, and imagination. Imagination is a great gift, which leads to
the development of all sorts of talents and skill sets. I want that wand I can wave and make anything
any way I want it. I realize it doesn’t exist.
But the hope that it might, and that it might be out there somewhere,
(maybe?) – is fun to contemplate. It’s
part of resisting growing up. I’m still
looking for Peter Pan.
My parents
blessed me with a wonderful childhood, as did my neighborhood, my school, my
church. They all raised me in a
protected environment, feeling safe and loved.
I wanted for nothing, but longed for a horse. I eat, dreamed, lived horses. And cats.
When my uncle got a horse at age twelve and I was five– I thought
Chigger was the most magnificent creature I had ever beheld.
I got my own
horse at age twelve – Princess – and yes, she thought she was all of that and
more. She was a sassy piece of sorrel
beauty, with a star on her face to prove it.
Waking up on Christmas morning of my twelfth year, there was Princess’
saddle and bridle under the tree. I was
in shock and instant tears. I couldn’t
wait to find out when we could buy Princess!
My mind couldn’t fathom that, yes, I now owned her too. I’ll probably never really know what my
parents sacrificed to fulfill this dream for me. In keeping with the Princess
theme - my grandmother Nana gave me my very own blue Princess phone. She was a telephone operator for her entire
working life, and this was a very special gift from her. I opened up a tiny little gift first, with a
key ring that had a miniature blue Princess telephone on it. Then she instructed me to open the next gift –
which was the real deal. It was a
Christmas I’ll never forget. Even though
the Princess phone and Princess are long gone, I still have the key ring with
the little blue Princess phone on it, and it still gives me a smile whenever I happen
to open the jewelry box that safeguards my memories.
The
difference is, I am the protective one now, the parent, and I don’t always feel
I am protecting my loved ones the same way my parents protected me. Or have created that same wonderful
atmosphere, allowing those after me to see through the glass brightly. I want them to. I want things to be bright and beautiful, not
full of child custody cases, or cancer.
Or job layoffs and financial worries.
Not full of litigious or dishonest people, trying in their hardest and
most bitter way to ruin you. These are
the dragons, and some are just not up to being slayed today. They are roaring loudly, swooping in,
threatening, but then at times disappearing back into their lairs, waiting for
another day to bring terror in a heartbeat. These are the crocodiles with the
clock in their bellies, crawling closer, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, not
knowing from hence or where they come, stealing time and peace of mind tick by dreadful
tick.
Life wasn’t
like that when I was younger! My sons
shouldn’t be going through this. My sister shouldn’t be going through
this.
I don’t
remember my parents having to go through things like this!
Of course I
don’t. They protected me from it. They didn’t want me to have to deal with
those things, because, looking through their own darker eyes, they know those
things would come soon enough. They
dealt with alcoholics in the family (but kept me from that knowledge until I
was – what, in college?) They dealt with
financial crisis, but never let me see them worry (much); they went against all
family advisement and bought their own business without a penny in their
pockets to even put in the cash register – and made a huge success of it. My dad sold Fuller Brush door-to-door in my
very young years, and I remember riding in the car ‘on a great adventure!’ while
he delivered the goods. Dad was selling something
to people to make their lives more enjoyable and worthwhile, and I was proud of
him for it. I can tell you this – he
paid the bills, whatever it took.
Our house was
clean, warm, and full of love. My
parents talked about things behind closed doors, and took great pains to keep
the adult stuff from interfering with our lives. We played games, had outings, and made our
own fun. Mom sewed, knitted, and
crocheted, and so did dad (really), and together they spun the veil that
magnified and allowed me to see life brightly – they shined a light on all
aspects of my childhood that dispelled the shadows and dragons that I now know
were always there, but were veiled by the loving protection of my parents.
It’s not as
much fun as an adult, to face the dragons.
They are much uglier now, and I see them for what they are. Their breath stinks, and they stink. They try to take all that is bright and
beautiful from you. They want to leave
your life in ashes. Instead of seeing
through a glass brightly, I now see through a glass darkly, just as the
scripture says. My knowledge base is
greater, sorrowful at times – because I know of good and evil - and I no longer
see things as a child, but as one that has experienced life as a grown-up. I don’t understand all, nor pretend to, and
that is the dark part. I do know that
one day, I will understand it better, by and by; not seeing through the glass
darkly or brightly, but clearly.
I may not always impart the inspiration or light
that my parents gave me as well as I’d like to, but my hope is for today, that
the dragons will sleep. I know who holds
the future, and it’s God, not Walt Disney.
Okay, well maybe a little, since I own some Disney stock. I know that magical thinking is part of my
coping mechanism. It’s alright. If I can instill that sense of hope in my
offspring, friends and loved ones – that life goes on – and it’s mostly good –
that we will get through the bad times and need to count our blessings and
appreciate the good times - then that’s all I can truly wish for. Our greatest wish should be to see our loved
ones in heaven.
So where is heaven?
It’s the second star to the right, and straight on til morning. See you there.
Stephanie Plute Harris
February 6th, 2015 10:36
1 Corinthians
13:12 King James Version (KJV)
Yep! Just a little bit of pixie dust!”
“When there's a smile
in your heart, there's no better time to start
Think of all the joy you'll find when you leave the world behind
And bid your cares good-bye - You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!”
Think of all the joy you'll find when you leave the world behind
And bid your cares good-bye - You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!”
from Disney’s Peter Pan, by Sammy Fain and
Sammy Cahn
Hebrews 11:1 King James Version (KJV)
